I read the book Prep today. I read this 406 page novel in one day. Really if you add it up, the times I had to put it down and all, I'd say I read it in about 3 hours. Yeah, I don't really know if that is fast, or slow, or ridiculious. Okay, my money is on the las one there. But, anyhow, the point it I read this book. And now I feel weird. I guess it was good. No...I know it was good, because it's made me think. I haven't read a book in a long time that has made me think like this. It's about boarding school. These college prep schools, in the northeast. Homes to the WASP members of our society. I don't want to give too much away, I highly suggest you read it though. If you even read this. Doesn't matter though...now I feel weird.
It makes me regret the time I spent at Bullitt East. Gosh, I can't believe I said that, but I guess it's sort of how I feel. I suppose everything happens for a reason and my time at BE was okay, but you see in Middle school there were serious talks of sending me to Catholic school. Not that we are Catholic, but b/c they are better. Part of me wishes I had pushed for that. Or that I myself had gone to a boarding school. I know that circumstances never would have allowed for that, but it doesn't mean the idea isn't appealing. I do sort of feel like I missed out on something I guess. If you read this book I'm talking about, you're totally going to look at this post and think "what the hell". It's not that her experience at Ault was a good one. But, it was an experience. Sometimes I feel like I've experienced nothing. There are a lot of things I've never done. I could list all of them here, but they'd only make me feel embarrassed and inadequate. I guess my lack of experiences can be attributed to a number of things. First is other obligations kept me from actively pursuing them...family and such. Second is my insecurities. I have them, I know we all do. Times when we felt like we didn't fit in with anyone else. I always felt like an observer. I know I still am. I'm still the most observant person I know....to the point of faking how observant I am. I purposely pretend to forget names, dates or random facts so I don't seem like a freak. I guess that all goes back to my insecurities about actually being one.
Most of the time in high school I felt like I was watching everyone else live. I know this is true. I've not walked away from high school with more than a small handful of people who are still willing to speak to me. And now it's affecting college. I people watch all day long. I observe the soriety girls with their shirts and bags with their greek letters on them. Perfect hair, clothes and looks. The frat guys in their khakis and polo shirts...that cocky little grin permanently plastered to their faces. The whiteness of UK's campus. The close proximity to home. I love it at UK...I just sometimes wish it wasn't so close. That maybe I could get away for awhile. And this could have everything to do with the fact that I'm home for Christmas break and the family has my stomach in knots. Are they the reason I've spent my life observing? Not fully participating with the world around me. I can't place the blame on them. It's unfair. It has to be my own doing. But do I really was to participate more and observe less? No, I don't think so, I might lose some of that journalist soul that I feel it so deeply embedded within my heart. I just wish I didn't have the damn feelings I get about life so much. Here lately they've been tearing me up. I think it's just my desire to get out, get away, go somewhere. I truly feel like I need the world to make me happy.
My mom was discussing their new doctor in her office tonight. He is from California, right outside of San Francisco. Close to the vineyards, skiing, the city. I imagine perfection. But he has uprooted his wife and three kids to move to Louisville and make a killing at this orthopaedic practice. And I thought to myself, "why would you ever leave a place as beautiful as where he is from"? But, I guess it isn't just me who always feels the need to get away. As the new year rolls around I have many things I'd like 2006 to bless me with. I need to travel. I need to see cities...bigger than Louisville, to feel sand...see the ocean again...to ride on an airplane...see Kenny and the Dixie Chicks in concert. I need to feel more alive and more fulfilled than I do now.......
