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Monday, June 25, 2007

I set out this morning to really put my all into a post. Give you my deep and true feelings on everything going on around me. Vent. Let it out. But, I still can't. I cannot bring myself to talk about any of it. It's too mountainous to think of going through all of the emotions it requires to write about any of this crazy thing they call life. This insane thing they call family.

I pulled into the library parking lot last night while I was out running errands and cried. Granted a car had pulled out in front of me just prior and my tires had skidded and I was angry. But, I really doubt the crying was about that at all. I've been just a shell of a person since all this started occurring with my Dad. He's so angry with life and the hand he's been dealt that he takes it out on those around him. I understand it, I do. I'd probably react the same exact way. But I'm so fucking tired of everything being my fault.

My cousin Sandy came over last night with her son for no reason at all. They hadn't seen us in a while. Sean wanted to see Jon. Last Sunday my cousin Becky came over with her boys. She really hadn't seen us in a while. I'm no big believer in anything. But I do wonder about these incidences. It is so good for my Dad when people show up unannounced because it allows him to focus on something other than excruciating pain for a bit. I was so thankful for the visits.

We are planning a 4th of July party in the coming weekends. Either this one or the next. We must be crazy because this is the worst time to throw a huge get together. But I hope it helps Dad to see some more to see more people who really truly care that he gets better. When he gets down like this he tends to think nobody cares about him at all. It's all depression related, but that's another story.

So my father loves fireworks. He's a firebug. But this year someone else will have to fire up those big illegal monstrosities that he loves so much. He won't be able to light them so I'm not sure how that will go...we've all voted on our about-to-start-Police-Academy cousin/nephew/son-in-law, Patrick to handle it.

Speaking of Police Academy. We watched Frank Denzinger's funeral this weekend. I know I've spoken of my love of state funerals. And they are the best. But, Police/Fire/EMS funerals have to come in second. The last call over the radio gets me every single time.

So sad. One man. One father. One husband. Gone because some fucking emo kid with a gun couldn't stop fighting with his mother. What bullshit.

Life. Family.


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